Mary’s Christmas Wish List

Tongue-in-cheek, okay?  Every year I make a “selfish” Christmas list of what I want Santa Claus to bring me.

A tiara.

A real one.  Not one of those party store jobs. I was shopping in Icing, which is like a slightly older version of Claire’s. They had all these gorgeous tiaras and it struck me, why don’t I have a tiara?  I act like a princess.  I could wear it while I am washing dishes. It could make all the mundane things I have to do just a little bit more fun.  You know what would happen of course.  I would wear it to do the laundry.  Then I would forget I have it on, and go pick up my son from school. And then there would be talk.

Yeah, I need a tiara.

Red Cliche Lingerie

This is kind of funny and sad at the same time. At forty-five, I have kind of lost my enthusiasm for sexy lingerie.  I don’t want it for myself now.  I want it for my twenty-forty-four year old self, which has sadly, passed on.  Because there was a time when I really, truly desperately wanted my husband/boyfriend at the time to give me lingerie for Christmas.  I kind of thought that was a given — you are romantically involved with someone — they give you red lingerie for Christmas.  Nope.  Never got any lingerie from any of the men I have been involved with.  Always get a lot of lovely and practical gifts.  Not sure what that says about me.  Can’t be good.

Let me tell you about one Christmas.  I was a young woman, not yet thirty.  I had not yet had a baby.  I had a cute body.  I had a cute husband.  I got the “box.” I mentally crossed my fingers as I untied the ribbon, I thought to myself please, please PLEASE let him have got me some romantic nightie, just this once.  WHAT WAS IN THE BOX was large, long sleeved grey flannel pyjamas.  With.ice-skating.hippopotamuses.on.them.  It was not a small, subtle print, either.  They were pretty splashy and awful.  You know that moment when  you get a present that has so much message in it all you can do is freeze a smile on your face and say thank you, they’re wonderful and inside you’re just screaming?  That was that moment.

Suave Holiday Body Wash

Okay, next to the broken dreams of lingerie-that-never-was and scary self-delusion of tiara, I do think this is a pretty tame request.  Only, I cannot find it. This stuff is like two bucks.  But only Wal-Mart has it, and my Wal-Mart does not have it yet.  People are madly tracking when it comes in on forums.  it smells that great.

Pink Paper Jamz Guitar

I got one of these for my son for his birthday.  $20, I love it, and it really works.  Then I saw the pink one and it was everything I could do not to buy it for myself.  It plays three songs; all from my high school days: Blondie, Pat Benatar, and the Pretenders.  I.must.have.it. To rock out.  Santa, please?

Video Barbie

Do you not love this?  She has a video camera permanently installed in her decolletage!  Go, Barbie!  The damage I could do with that kind of set-up!  I love this for two reasons (1) I kind of really love Barbie and (2) I love shooting video.  I was thinking how cool it would be to have a camera installed in myself so I could be “Video Mary.”  Then I heard on NPR today that some whack-job university professor in New York got paid from some museum in Qatar to DRILL A HOLE in his skull and put a camera in the back of his head.  And they’re going to transmit all the images from his skull back to the museum.  For like, a year.  Only the University is not sure they are cool with that because of issues with their students’ privacy (you THINK?).  That story made me feel pretty queasy when I heard it and of course I immediately thought of poor Video Barbie. But I still think she is cool.  Imagine some little girl… you think she is just playing with her Barbie and she’s making a documentary about YOU and every dumb thing you say.  I just can’t get over it.

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